During the drive I had been thinking about how almost all of my friends are either about to get married, are already married, or are even about to have kids. Me, I don’t even have a girlfriend at the moment. But I always wanted to, if I had children, write a lullaby for them.

Sappy, I know.

So I decided, even in the staggering absence of children, children on the way, or even a wife or fiance or girlfriend to commence the making babies with, I could at least get a head start by writing my lullaby now.

I call it Sid’s Song.

SID’S SONG by Draynen

I think this might be the most horrible thing I’ve ever created.

Sadly, it doesn’t seem like the kind of product that is still available for sale. However, after a few minutes of googling, I was able to determine that toothpaste is easy enough to manufacture in the safety of your own home using regular kitchen and special effects ingredients, and that I was in possession of a non-trivial quantity of bourbon.

I had all that was required to assemble my toothpsky… burpaste? Turbon?

…whatever. All I knew is that I must do science to it.

Which is why I’ve decided to start sharing some of my knowledge with the unwashed masses in a series I’ve decided to call “Dating for Dumbasses”, which, given the fact that I’ve already negged my potential audience, isn’t actually about any of that PUA nonsense.

Instead, it’s just a collection of common sense advice that I’ve picked up through years of experience.

So here it is, my first of maybe a couple installments: How to Write a First Message.

I noticed yesterday that Survivor was holding online video auditions, and I figured, “what the hell”. Though, as it turns out, you are actually auditioning for a chance to win the one slot they are giving away online to then go to LA, where they will then have the actual audition. Whatever. I’m clearly a shoe in.

Alone from Brett on Vimeo.

Anyway, to catch people up to speed, I’ve been unemployed for a year now, and I’d like to say that the search is starting to get dire, but, to be honest, my benefits keep on being extended time and time again (at the moment I’m set for at least another 8 months), so the constant lack of attention my resume seems to be garnering from legitimate employers has left me in a state that has been downgraded from “ulcer inducingly stressful” to just “depressing” (It is worth noting that ulcers are not, in point of fact, caused by stress as was once commonly believed, but rather a nasty little bacteria called helicobacter pylori, or, as was the case when I had them, the mixing of high doses of advil and PBR 40s).

So, as mind numbingly boring as this whole jobless thing can be, at least I don’t have any immediate justifiable fear of going hungry or homeless.

I had promised myself that I would try and get something productive done during this period of time, and resolved that I would try to start writing more, but each attempt has been met with varying degrees of failure.

The webcomic lasted all of 7 comics before I lost interest, and I’ve got several half assed story ideas that I pick away at occasionally, adding a few sentences here and there, but when it really comes down to it, the only writing I manage to do with any real frequency is the writing of cover letters for the jobs I’ve been applying to. And as it has become more and more obvious that I’m just getting lost in the shuffle of the hundreds of other applicants, I’ve started to get less and less professional with the content of my cover letters, the most recent of which I’ve included below.

To whom it may concern:

My name is Thomas Caster, and I came across your posting for a WorkSource Specialist 3 while browsing through your employment website. I am very interested as my background would make me an excellent candidate for the position.

My most recent role was working as a recruiting assistant for a staffing firm, a skill set that I feel is directly relatable to the functions I would be performing if chosen. During my tenure at KForce, I consistently managed to obtain an above average number of placements and assists for someone in my position, and policies that I was instrumental in implementing resulted in a nearly 83% yearly decrease in the number of in-office velociraptor attacks.

In addition, I also have an extensive background in customer service and support.

Attached is my resume for your perusal. I look forward to speaking with your further about the position.

We’re going to have a frank discussion about sex.

You see, when a man loves a woman very much they ok are the new people gone yet?

Three things.

1) I had been operating under the impression for a while that I was, in fact, a nice guy. One of those nice guys that any parent would be happy to have their daughter date. Turns out this isn’t true, as I just broke up with a girl over email today. Jake pointed out that it could have been worse. It could have been over Twitter.

2) Speaking of Jake, he has designs for a bet. And not just any bet. He wants it to be in the true Adam Paysse tradition of bet idiocy, which means that the stakes are both extremely high and at the same time of no real consequence.

The Bet? Starting Monday, the first person who fails to exercise for an entire hour every day, Monday through Friday, loses. The winner then gets to have the loser try and pick up two girls, with a pickup line of the winners choosing. The potential for horribleness is high, and exciting.

3) I just bought tickets for Jake and myself to “Playin’ with Micucci” at the Steve Allen Theater in July. Now I know somebody out there is all like, “But Tom, the Steve Allen Theater is in Los Angeles!”, to which I would respond, “Duh.”

For those in the know, my secret fanboy crush on Kate Micucci isn’t much of a secret. Or the fact that I want to be a Garfunkle and Oats groupie. So the trip should be fun for the whole family then the man puts his penis inside the woman’s vagina, commencing sexual congress.

Nine months later, a baby is born.

People are now starting to have what are being referred to as “flavor tripping parties”, where everyone at the door gets a berry, and, for the next hour or so while the effects last, they then gorge themselves on food to see how different it now tastes.

The idea sounded very intriguing, and I was curious to give them a try, but sadly the berries themselves are highly perishable and as such rather expensive. Thankfully, a shelf stable version has recently been made available, so I bought a pack of Miracle Berry tablets to give them a try.

Yesterday, the package arrived. I cut up some lemons, limes and grapefruit (foods that are inherently sour are excellent candidates for Miracle Fruit), and in addition had some red wine, brie cheese and Guinness ready to taste as well.

The end result was not as extreme or mind blowing as I’d been led to believe. Lemons taste, well, like lemons. Doused in sugar. Grapefruit tastes like grapefruit. Doused in sugar. Limes taste… well, limes taste fucking disgusting. Almost a chemical or heavy mineral flavor. 

The cheese tasted exactly the god damn same.

The red wine was transformed from a cheap bottle of Merlot to a cheap bottle of Sangria in an instant, which I suppose is not all that surprising. What was surprising was the Guinness. What is normally a dark, creamy, lightly bitter beer suddenly became, for lack of a better description, chocolate milk. The reason for this is that, while you might not think it, Guinness is actually a rather sour beer, it’s just that those sour flavors are masked by the rest of the beer. With those sour flavors suddenly masked, the beer’s balance is thrown out of whack, and suddenly the sweeter malt flavors are able to shine through. 

All in all, it was an interesting, if slightly disappointing experience. I’ve got about 18 servings left, so I’ll probably throw a flavor tripping party of my own in the next few weeks, for those of you interested in trying it for yourself.

Man, I think this is the third time I’ve seen this position posted, and now the third time I’ve applied. Third time’s the charm I guess, right? Either that, or I’ve just gotten to the point of being creepy and I’m only moments away from a restraining order. But I wouldn’t keep applying if I didn’t know I would be awesome for your job.

Solid computer skills? Hell, I’m typing this on a computer, believe it or not. I even managed to spell most everything properly and use the shift key in appropriate places. I even navigated the often treacherous information super highway to send you this message. I might go so far as to call myself “savvy” if I was feeling saucy. And I am.

Outstanding customer service? I service customers in ways you couldn’t even begin to imag… wait, that sounds horrifying. Let’s just leave it at outstanding.

Comfortable using a telephone? I’ve been using a telephone since, believe it or not, the age of 2. Some call me a telephone prodigy. I can both talk *and* listen, dial, and, if I really like you, I’ll even play “Mary Had a Little Lamb” using the keypad.

Common sense? There is nothing common about my sense. It’s uncanny. Like a mutant power. Except not one of the cool ones that would get me into the X-Men. In fact, if there’s one organization that’s ignored my applications more than MCN, it’s the X-Men. Heartless bastards.

So there you have it. You should hire me, not just because I need a job, but because I’m awesome and I need a job.

So, webcomic? Probably dead. I tried. Problem is, I really don’t enjoy drawing. It’s hard and I’m lazy. 

Instead, I’ve been working on my projects for school. It looks like we’ll be doing our “premiere” on the 27th of June, in a proper theater and everything, along with the documentary track. Everyone is invited, and it’s my understanding that there will be beer. 

In addition, I also just purchased a fancy new HD camera (as in camcorder, not DSLR), which I’m hoping I’ll be able to start doing something with, once I get the million other things you need to make a fancy new camera do all the sexy things a camera is supposed to do (lights, tripod, lights, editing equipment, lights, steadicam, lights, firestore, lights, monitor, lights, lights, lights…).

In unrelated news, if anyone wants to gift me $20,000, that would be awesome.